My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…