I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore