Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.