Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.