I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.