Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…