Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”