There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”