Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.