Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.