Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.