Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*