I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.