‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.