“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!