*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
What if the weather talks about us?
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown