911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”