My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.