Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water