When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.