Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script