I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”