My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber