Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks