Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.