My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.