Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page