I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me