Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?