Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.