1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.