Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.