The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?