It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.