It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.