For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?