I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.