Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.