MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.