Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night