To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”