*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me