I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.