I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
