kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.