baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid questionMe from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!
Boss: GODDAMIT!
I don’t believe him.
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
it’s not been my year
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.
December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
