It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone