All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.