I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
new year update: losing everything but weight