Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo