you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)