Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.